FAKE NEWS | Jesus Booed at Trump Rally

By Shaun Tan

By Shaun Tan

Founder, Editor-in-Chief, and Staff Writer


WASHINGTON, DC – Tensions rose high today after Jesus Christ, the son of God, failed to placate a large group of Trump supporters, who had gathered just outside the Capitol.


Descending to Earth on a cloud at midday, Jesus attempted to reason with the 500-strong crowd, which had assembled there to show support for US President Donald Trump and to protest what its members called a conspiracy to steal the 2020 election.


“Keep your tongue from evil, and keep your lips from speaking lies,” Jesus advised. “Turn away from evil and seek peace.”


Christ also warned of the dangers of faithlessness and lust for power. “For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, but lose his soul?” he asked, in an apparent criticism of President Trump and his Republican supporters and their attempts to cling to power by overturning the results of the 2020 election.


Far from being soothed by Christ’s message, however, the crowd reacted angrily at the perceived insult to President Trump and began to boo.


“How much did the Democrats pay you to say that?” jeered Margaret Sachtleben, 35, who was draped in a Confederate flag. “You, Jesus, are part of the swamp. There’s a special place in hell for traitors like you.”


“What have you ever done for us?” demanded Aaron, 40, who sported a red Make America Great Again cap and identified himself only by his first name. “President Trump has done more for us in four years than you have in the past 2,000.”


At this point, Republican Senator Ted Cruz of Texas, who had been trying to ingratiate himself with Jesus since he first appeared, and was standing next to him, quickly kissed him on the cheek and left.


Others in the crowd denounced Jesus as a “fake Christian” or a “CINO” (a “Christian In Name Only”), or a secret Muslim from the Middle East, or accused the bearded, unkempt Jew of being part of a global Jewish conspiracy orchestrated by George Soros.


“How do we know you’re REALLY the son of God?” asked Jake Angelos, 37, who described himself as a follower of QAnon. “Can we see a birth certificate?”


“Fuck this shit,” muttered Jesus in disgust, before summoning a cloud and ascending back into the heavens.

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