FAKE NEWS | Trans People Vanishing After Too Many Question Their Identity
“In refusing to affirm my gender identity, you deny my very existence,” she said, as her body dissolved into thin air. “And so, I cannot exist.”
FAKE NEWS | Local Teen Traumatized After Receiving Phone Call
“Who still calls people? Who still calls people in 2022??”
FAKE NEWS | Chinese Malaysians and Singaporeans Urge Mainlanders to Stop Complaining
“Why must you degrade the motherland in public? Just shut up and remember that you already live in paradise.”
FAKE NEWS | Asian Smashes Stereotypes by Being Bad at Everything
For decades, Asian Americans have been stereotyped as overachievers. But one extraordinary young woman is fearlessly shattering this stereotype, by being awful at everything.
FAKE NEWS | Hong Kong Gears Up for Most Thrilling Election Ever
“Who will be the next chief executive? Will it be John Lee, the only person running for the office? The suspense is killing us.”
FAKE NEWS | Xi Vows to “Make an Example” Out of Omicron Variant
“We will eliminate all traces of Omicron. Then we will arrest its relatives and charge them with collusion. Let this be an example to all the other variants out there.”
FAKE NEWS | To Combat Narcissism, Universities Introduce Ego-Destroying Cats
“We already have a therapy dog to help students cope with stress, anxiety, and depression. But it’s become clear that many students here suffer from the opposite problem.”
FAKE NEWS | Useless Robot Bartender Replaces No Human Bartenders
“For every one of those robot bartenders they need to hire, like, three people to supervise it.”
FAKE NEWS | Jussie Smollett to Receive Emmy for Staged Hate Crime Acting
“A lesser actor might have felt some sense of guilt at lying to the entire country – and allowed this to affect their performance. Not Jussie.”
FAKE NEWS | Switching Tack, China Now Asks: Who Is Peng Shuai?
“Who is this ‘Peng Shuai’ of whom you speak? What proof do you have that there is such a person?”
FAKE NEWS | Peng Shuai to Check Into Exclusive Xinjiang Retreat
“I would like some privacy and some time to re-center myself, so don’t be surprised if you don’t hear from me for the next five years or so. Goodbye, everyone!”
FAKE NEWS | Local Inventor Creates Reverse Car Horn
“How many times have you been driving and some motherfucker honks you from behind for, like, no reason, but you can’t honk him back because your horn only goes forward?”
FAKE NEWS | China Unveils Ancient Map Claiming Entire World
All your base are belong to us.
FAKE NEWS | We Didn’t Know This Would Happen, Say People Who Should Have Known This Would Happen
“The government had no way of knowing that seeing new infection numbers rise every day and doing virtually nothing about it meant they’d keep rising.”
FAKE NEWS | Activists Take Aim At “Racist” Game of Pool
“Pool involves using a white ball to hit balls of color.”
FAKE NEWS | Black Community Center Hit by Racist Lightning Bolt
“This was the work of the White Devil. As always, white people are to blame.”
FAKE NEWS | Hollywood Denies Pandering to Chinese Market
Disney is planning a series of sequels to its 2020 Mulan live action remake, including Mulan and the South China Sea, Mulan and the 14th Five-Year Plan, and Mulan Pacifies Tibet.
FAKE NEWS | Jesus Booed at Trump Rally
“How do we know you’re REALLY the son of God? Can we see a birth certificate?”
FAKE NEWS | Hipster Mugged by Nondescript Person(s)
He struggled to describe the perpetrator, and was unable even to say if his assailant was male or female because he considers gender to be “a social construct.”
FAKE NEWS | Pompeo Vows Additional Sanctions Against “Wow-Way”
His statement has sown confusion amongst observers in Asia, as it is unclear which Chinese tech company he’s referring to.
FAKE NEWS | Mahathir Unveils Inspiring Party Platform Dedicated Solely To Making Him Prime Minister Again
“When I look at Malaysians today, I see their despair and frustration at not having me as their prime minister anymore.”
FAKE NEWS | Nothing to Worry About, Says Wuhan Official From Inside Biohazard Suit
“You can all go about your lives as normal. Everything is fine.”
FAKE NEWS | China Furious at Sex141 Over “Taiwanese” Prostitute Listings
Beijing called it “a violation of the One-China principle.”
FAKE NEWS | Xi Vows to Peacefully Reincorporate Taiwan (Which Is Already Part of China) into China by Force, If Necessary
Xi contrasted “peaceful force” with the “violent force” used by “Western imperialists.”