FAKE NEWS | Pompeo Vows Additional Sanctions Against “Wow-Way”

WASHINGTON, DC – US Secretary of State Mike Pompeo vowed today to tighten sanctions against an unknown Chinese tech company he called “Wow-Way.”

“Wow-Way is constantly trying to evade the restrictions we’ve placed on it,” he said. “But those efforts will be met with increased vigilance on the part of the United States. For too long has Wow-Way flouted the law with impunity.”

Pompeo went on to accuse “Wow-Way” of intellectual property theft, violating US sanctions on Iran, and of being “a Trojan horse for the Chinese government.” He said US measures to cut off its access to critical technologies, including the processor chips it uses to make smartphones and network equipment, would punish it for its transgressions and hobble China in the 5G race.

Pompeo’s statement caused a stir in the tech and business community.

Christine Meyers, chief engineering officer at tech company Star Microsystems, called this a “death blow” for the Chinese company. “He-Wah-Wee needs these processor chips to produce its hardware, and neither it nor any other Chinese company is currently able to manufacture chips of sufficient computing power. If it can’t find a way to obtain them before its stockpiles of these chips run out in a year or two, He-Wah-Wee will be finished.”

John Wendell, an analyst at the brokerage firm Walters, said this development would frustrate any attempts by the tech company to obtain the chips through third-parties. “Wah-Wah may initially have hoped to obtain these chips through third-party designers, but the US is closing that loophole. It’s the end of the road for Wah-Wee-Wah.”

These statements have sown confusion amongst observers in Asia, as it is unclear which Chinese tech company they’re referring to. But some linguistic experts have theorized that the speakers may be referring to Huawei, the Chinese tech behemoth based in Shenzhen. The experts, however, are at a loss to explain how so many Westerners could so badly mangle the pronunciation of a word that is literally pronounced exactly the way it’s spelled.

Huawei’s founder and CEO, Ren Zhengfei, said he was unfazed by this development.

“As far as I’m concerned, this has nothing to do with me or my company,” he said. “I seriously don’t know what those people are talking about. But tough luck for that company they’re referring to. To be cut off from your supply of chips…I sure wouldn’t want to be Wow-Way or Wah-Wee or Wah-Wah, whoever that is.”