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COVID Christmas Carols
By Shaun Tan
Founder, Editor-in-Chief, and Staff Writer
22/12/2020
Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!
Oh, the virus outside is frightful,
And the hospitals all are quite full,
And since we’ve no place to go,
Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!
Man, it doesn’t show signs of stopping,
And the people, like flies, are dropping,
I think we should all lay low,
Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!
***
Covid’s Out of Hand
Cases spike, are you listening?
Containment failed, virus spreading.
Couldn’t flatten the curve,
New clusters emerged,
COVID’s gotten really out of hand!
Another wave, it transpired,
Freaking out, news is dire.
Infections are high,
Looks like we’re all gonna die,
COVID’s gotten really out of hand!
In our apartment we can make our last stand,
And subsist on tins of Spam.
You’ll say, “Let’s go out,” and I’ll say “No, man!
Just stick to the goddamn plan!”
Early on, should have heeded,
Good advice, from the experts.
Masks we eschewed,
Now we’re kinda screwed,
COVID’s gotten really out of hand,
COVID’s gotten really out of hand,
COVID’s gotten really out of HAAAND!
***
God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
God rest ye merry gentlemen,
There’s nothing you can say,
We’re sick of all your virus hoaxes,
We hear them every day,
Don’t get your news from dodgy sources,
They’ll lead you astray,
Oh, fact-check before you share,
Before you share,
Oh, fact-check before you share.
Bill Gates didn’t make the virus,
Why would you think that?
It wasn’t bioengineered
Inside a Wuhan lab.[1]
Vaccines don’t give you autism,
It’s safe to get the jab,
Oh, fact-check before you share,
Before you share,
Oh, fact-check before you share.
Yes, I know that orange man
You saw on television,
Seemed confident, but don’t trust him,
Or stuff from QAnon.
It doesn’t help if you drink bleach,
Or shine UV up your bum,
Oh, fact-check before you share,
Before you share,
Oh, fact-check before you share.
[1] Note: As of June 2021, it appears COVID might in fact have been bioengineered inside a Wuhan lab, though it remains unclear if it was.
***
Good King Wencesles
Good King Wencesles looked out,
On the Feast of Stephen:
“Too many people at this feast,
I’ll leave as soon as I’ve eaten.
No attempt at social distancing,
Superspreader potential,
Whilst cases are increasing,
Highly irresponsible.”
***
All I Want for Christmas Is the New Vaccine
All I want for Christmas is the new vaccine,
The new vaccine,
Yes, the new vaccine!
Gee, if I could only have the new vaccine,
Then I wouldn’t need to social distance.
It seems so long since I could go
Out and about as I desire.
Thank the Lord for Big Pharma –
AztraZeneca, Pfizer!
All I want for Christmas is the new vaccine,
The new vaccine,
Yes, the new vaccine!
Gee, if I could only have the new vaccine,
Then I wouldn’t need to social distance.