FAKE NEWS | Hipster Mugged by Nondescript Person(s)

NEW YORK – A local hipster was mugged at gunpoint last night in Williamsburg, Brooklyn.

The hipster, 33-year-old Dexter Goldberg, was held up on Bartlett Street at about 10.45 pm and forced to hand over his belongings, including his wallet, phone, headphones, vintage Sony Walkman, and a bar of artisanal chocolate.

Fortunately, Goldberg was unharmed. Speaking to a police officer on scene, however, he struggled to give the perpetrator’s identifying characteristics, and was unable even to say if his assailant was male or female because he considers gender to be “a social construct.

“I mean, I don’t want to assume their gender just based on their physical appearance,” Goldberg said. “It all happened so fast, so I don’t know which gender they identify as or anything about their lived experiences. Gender is a spectrum, anyway.”

There also seemed to be some confusion about how many robbers there were, with Goldberg saying there was only one of them, but repeatedly referring to that person in the plural. Goldberg also declined to describe the build of the robber(s) because he didn’t want to “come across as body-shaming them.”

Goldberg seemed particularly distressed when the officer asked about the ethnicity of the perpetrator(s). The unkempt, bearded hipster at first refused to answer, saying he didn’t want to “contribute to negative stereotypes of people of color.” After spending the next half-hour prevaricating and agonizing over it, however, he finally described the robber(s) as “dark.”

“But that doesn’t necessarily mean they were black!” Goldberg insisted. “You can’t assume that black people are darker than anyone else. For example, Will Smith is lighter than many white people I know.”

After trying to get a coherent description of the perpetrator(s) for an hour and a half, the officer was seen walking away, shaking his head.

The public is advised to be on the lookout for a dark (but not necessarily African American) person (or unspecified number of people) of unspecified gender who may or may not be overweight. Anyone with information regarding this incident is asked to call the NYPD’s Crime Stoppers Hotline.