FAKE NEWS | To Contain COVID, Xi Vows To Imprison Everyone, Forever

BEIJING – Sick of constant, annoying speculation as to when China will end its zero-COVID policy and reopen to the rest of the world, Chinese President Xi Jinping said today the answer to that question is “never.

“‘Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?’” he mocked. “SHUT UP! We will never reopen. We will never abandon our zero-COVID policy. You are all my prisoners, forever.”

Speaking at the Great Hall of the People, Xi told assembled officials and press that freedom would have to give way for the sake of safety. “As a wise man once said: ‘Those who would give up essential Liberty to purchase a little temporary Safety have made a smart choice.’”

Xi doubled-down on his zero-COVID policy, which has kept China largely closed to the outside world since the beginning of the pandemic, and which requires draconian lockdowns whenever infections are detected, as in Shanghai now. He went on to deride countries trying to move towards endemicity as “quitters.

“China doesn’t quit,” he said. “As everyone knows, China is a 6,000-year-old civilization, and we play the long-game. China shut out the outside world before during the Ming Dynasty, and that worked out pretty well for us. We will out-wait COVID and reopen once it has gone completely extinct.

“Unlike some other countries, like those in the decadent West, where people have no discipline, China will not give up on zero-COVID and will resolutely stay the course,” he declared. “We will do whatever it takes, short of getting effective vaccines, to win this war.”

Xi’s decision was hailed by experts, including Tian Feilong, Associate Professor at Beihang University’s law school, who said the zero-COVID strategy fit with China’s time-honored approach to handling crises.

“If there’s one thing China has learned over the years, it’s that there’s no problem that can’t be solved by indefinitely imprisoning everyone involved,” he explained. Tian noted that this strategy has always worked in the past against Uyghurs, Falun Gong practitioners, and Hong Kong pro-democracy protestors.

“This is no different,” he said.