FAKE NEWS | We Didn’t Know This Would Happen, Say People Who Should Have Known This Would Happen

PUTRAJAYA – As new daily COVID-19 infections reached record numbers this week, the Malaysian government has moved swiftly to absolve itself of blame.

“We had no way of knowing things would get this bad,” said Malaysian Prime Minister Muhyiddin Yassin, speaking to reporters today at the Prime Minister’s Office in Putrajaya.

“The government had no way of knowing that seeing new infection numbers rise every day and doing virtually nothing about it meant they’d keep rising,” he said.

This Wednesday, infection numbers reached a record high of 6,075 new cases. The following day, this record was broken, with 6,806 new cases. Many have blamed this rise on the government’s lax measures to combat the virus, particularly during the festive Muslim period of Ramadan.

The prime minister, however, defended his government’s record. “Who could have known that getting complacent would allow COVID to spread out of control, even though this happens literally every single time we get complacent?” he asked. “Who could have known that allowing people to crowd into mosques, flock to cramped Ramadan bazaars, and pack into buses, trains, and planes with poor air circulation to travel back to their hometowns for the holidays would make things worse? Who could have known that repeatedly ignoring the dire warnings of our own Director General of Health that infections would spike to 7,000 new daily cases unless we changed our ways would make them come true?

“This virus is so unpredictable,” Muhyiddin lamented, shaking his head. “So unpredictable.”

Senior Minister for Security Ismail Sabri Yaakob also stepped in to defend the government’s policies. “On the Ramadan bazaars, we put in strict standard operating procedures, but we couldn’t foresee that people there wouldn’t follow them if we didn’t dispatch enough police to ensure they did,” he said. “Isn’t it normal for people to follow rules even if no one bothers to enforce them?”

Ismail Sabri then asked people to pray for the heroic Hamas martyrs and the Palestinian civilians who were killed by Israeli airstrikes, as there was no way of knowing Israel would retaliate after Hamas launched rockets at it.

The press conference was then abruptly cut short when the lights in the building went out because no one knew what would happen if they didn’t pay their electric bills.