FAKE NEWS | Xi Vows to “Make an Example” Out of Omicron Variant

BEIJING – Chinese President Xi Jinping vowed today to eradicate the Omicron variant in China, such that its fate would serve as a warning to all the other variants.

“We will eliminate all traces of Omicron,” said Xi. “Then we will arrest its relatives and charge them with collusion. Then we will downgrade their social-credit scores so that they will never be able to have a decent living in China. Let this be an example to all the other variants out there.”

Speaking at the Great Hall of the People, Xi told assembled officials that the country was engaged in “a battle of wills” against the virus, and warned that any variant attempting to enter China “will have its head bashed bloody against a Great Wall of steel.

“We will do whatever it takes, short of getting effective vaccines, to win this war,” he declared.

Xi also doubled-down on his zero-COVID policy, which has kept China largely closed to the outside world since the beginning of the pandemic, and which requires draconian lockdowns whenever infections are detected, as in Shanghai now. He went on to deride attempts by the rest of the world to move towards endemicity, saying that trying to live with COVID will be taken by the virus as “a sign of weakness,” which “will only encourage further disobedience,” and touted China’s zero-tolerance policy towards COVID as superior.

“We must resolutely adhere to a zero-COVID strategy,” he said. “Unlike in the decadent West, which has had so many deaths from the virus, in China, we don’t tolerate COVID. In China, we don’t tolerate anything.”

Xi’s speech was met with widespread praise from experts, including Tian Feilong, Associate Professor at Beihang University’s law school, who said the zero-COVID strategy fit with China’s time-honored approach to dealing with crises.

“If there’s one thing China has learned over the years, it’s that there’s no problem that can’t be solved by indefinitely imprisoning everyone involved,” he explained. Tian noted that this strategy has always worked in the past against Uyghurs, Falun Gong practitioners, and Hong Kong pro-democracy protestors.

“This is no different,” he said.