FAKE NEWS | China Unveils Ancient Map Claiming Entire World

BEIJING – China stirred controversy yesterday as it released an ancient Ming Dynasty map claiming the entire planet.

Meeting with reporters at China’s Ministry of Foreign Affairs in Beijing, which has now been rebranded as China’s Ministry of Domestic Affairs, spokeswoman Hua Chunying unveiled the map with a flourish.

“We found this map in an archive,” she said, “and as we studied it, we soon realized its significance. The ancient Chinese dynasties claimed ‘all under heaven,’ and, as their successor, the People’s Republic of China has inherited all of their claims. Therefore, this map is incontrovertible proof of China’s exclusive territorial rights over the entire Earth.”

Hua added that, as in imperial times, China would now be accepting tribute from all its vassal states. Further, she said all other world leaders are hereby summoned to Beijing to perform the ritual kowtow to Chinese President Xi Jinping, acknowledge him as the Son of Heaven, and pay him other forms of homage.

Hua closed the press conference by reciting an ancient Chinese poem which she said constituted further proof of China’s dominion over the Earth:

East and West,

North and South,

All lie within the imperial writ.

All the seven seas,

All the seven continents,

All the mountains and valleys,

Belong to the Son of Heaven.

“Do you think this poem would have been written if that wasn’t true?” she asked.

China’s gambit has stunned observers and China-watchers. “This move shows that China is done fiddling around with nine-dash lines in the South China Sea, and has decided to simplify things by just claiming the whole world,” said Bilahari Kausikan, Ambassador-at-Large in Singapore’s Ministry of Foreign Affairs. “I’ll give it this: it’s ballsy.”

World leaders have reacted with incredulity and consternation, with many refusing to recognize China’s claim.

“I don’t care about their fucking map,” said US President Joe Biden.

“I don’t know what President Xi is smoking,” said British Prime Minister Boris Johnson, “but I want some of that.”

“This is insane!” said Australian Prime Minister Scott Morrison. “This planet is all we have! Where is everyone else supposed to go? The moon?” – only to have Hua Chunying tweet back in response that, according to the giant-impact hypothesis, the moon is thought to have formed from a part of the Earth that broke off after it collided with another planet, and, therefore, the moon also belongs to China.

This morning, the Chinese government hit back angrily at the reactions from those world leaders.

“Since China has claimed the whole world, questioning this claim constitutes an infringement of our territorial integrity,” said Hua, before warning other world leaders against “interfering in China’s internal affairs.”

Hua went on to brand those who disputed China’s claim as “separatists” and “mischievous rebels who are trying to secede from the motherland.”

Hua said China would show no mercy towards those who do not respect its sovereignty and still presume to regard themselves as independent countries.

“Rebellious vassals,” she said, quoting another poem from imperial China, “test not the patience of the Son of Heaven!”