FAKE NEWS | Trans People Vanishing After Too Many Question Their Identity
“In refusing to affirm my gender identity, you deny my very existence,” she said, as her body dissolved into thin air. “And so, I cannot exist.”
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FAKE NEWS | Local Teen Traumatized After Receiving Phone Call
“Who still calls people? Who still calls people in 2022??”
FICTION | From the Tree
A porn search history and the secret lives of a suburban family.
FICTION | A Bed to Rule Them All
As my mind hazes, my last thought is of the Deep Sleep I will get with this bed and the new heights of success it will bring. Yes, I think, with this bed I will straddle the world.
FAKE NEWS | Chinese Malaysians and Singaporeans Urge Mainlanders to Stop Complaining
“Why must you degrade the motherland in public? Just shut up and remember that you already live in paradise.”
FAKE NEWS | Asian Smashes Stereotypes by Being Bad at Everything
For decades, Asian Americans have been stereotyped as overachievers. But one extraordinary young woman is fearlessly shattering this stereotype, by being awful at everything.
FAKE NEWS | Hong Kong Gears Up for Most Thrilling Election Ever
“Who will be the next chief executive? Will it be John Lee, the only person running for the office? The suspense is killing us.”
FAKE NEWS | To Contain COVID, Xi Vows To Imprison Everyone, Forever
“We will never reopen. We will never abandon our zero-COVID policy. You are all my prisoners, forever.”
FAKE NEWS | To Combat Narcissism, Universities Introduce Ego-Destroying Cats
“We already have a therapy dog to help students cope with stress, anxiety, and depression. But it’s become clear that many students here suffer from the opposite problem.”
FAKE NEWS | Useless Robot Bartender Replaces No Human Bartenders
“For every one of those robot bartenders they need to hire, like, four people to supervise it.”
This Is What the REAL China Is Like
“Western commentators are forever harping on about Tiananmen Square. Well, I actually WENT to that square last month. How many protestors did I see being killed there? Zero.”
FICTION | The Body Does Not Lie
A struggling writer gets more than he bargained for when he writes a beautiful girl into existence.
FAKE NEWS | Jussie Smollett to Receive Emmy for Staged Hate Crime Acting
“A lesser actor might have felt some sense of guilt at lying to the entire country – and allowed this to affect their performance. Not Jussie.”
FAKE NEWS | Switching Tack, China Now Asks: Who Is Peng Shuai?
“Who is this ‘Peng Shuai’ of whom you speak? What proof do you have that there is such a person?”
FAKE NEWS | Peng Shuai to Check Into Exclusive Xinjiang Retreat
“I would like some privacy and some time to re-center myself, so don’t be surprised if you don’t hear from me for the next five years or so. Goodbye, everyone!”
This Was a Good Movie, but There Weren’t Enough People of Color in It, so It’s a Bad Movie
“Jodie Comer gave a powerful performance in The Last Duel, but the best acting in the world could not make up for her overwhelming whiteness.”
World’s Worst GoFundMe Campaigns
There are tons of GoFundMe campaigns out there. Here are some of the most unworthy.
FAKE NEWS | Local Inventor Creates Reverse Car Horn
“How many times have you been driving and some motherfucker honks you from behind for, like, no reason, but you can’t honk him back because your horn only goes forward?”
First World Problems
We often receive letters from readers seeking advice on problems. Here are some of the most insufferable.
FAKE NEWS | China Unveils Ancient Map Claiming Entire World
All your base are belong to us.
The Church of the Woke
“Ye bearest the original sin of white supremacy, inherited from thine fathers, and their fathers before them.”
FAKE NEWS | We Didn’t Know This Would Happen, Say People Who Should Have Known This Would Happen
“The government had no way of knowing that seeing new infection numbers rise every day and doing virtually nothing about it meant they’d keep rising.”
On Encountering a Mosquito in My Room at Night
I keep expecting to hear its plaintive eeeeeeeee in my ear. It’s clear I’ll know no peace until it’s dead.
FAKE NEWS | Activists Take Aim At “Racist” Game of Pool
“Pool involves using a white ball to hit balls of color.”
FAKE NEWS | Black Community Center Hit by Racist Lightning Bolt
“This was the work of the White Devil. As always, white people are to blame.”
ART | Hollywood Movies, With Chinese Characteristics
Mulan Pacifies Tibet, Fast and Furious 11: 1 Belt 1 Road, and many more!
FAKE NEWS | Hollywood Denies Pandering to Chinese Market
Disney is planning a series of sequels to its 2020 Mulan live action remake, including Mulan and the South China Sea, Mulan and the 14th Five-Year Plan, and Mulan Pacifies Tibet.
Honest COVID Wedding Invitation
Please find enclosed a full itinerary of the day’s events, along with a waiver absolving us of liability should you happen to contract COVID-19 there.
FAKE NEWS | Jesus Booed at Trump Rally
“How do we know you’re REALLY the son of God? Can we see a birth certificate?”
COVID Christmas Carols
Liven up your singalong this year with some Christmas gallows humor!
FAKE NEWS | Hipster Mugged by Nondescript Person(s)
He struggled to describe the perpetrator, and was unable even to say if his assailant was male or female because he considers gender to be “a social construct.”
Tossing and Turning
In pursuit of a good night’s sleep, a man reckons with the tyranny of science.
Exploring the Malaysian Jungle With Someone Who Hates the Malaysian Jungle
So you want to explore the Malaysian jungle? Let me start by saying this is a terrible idea. Almost everything here will try to bite you, sting you, or suck your blood.
FAKE NEWS | Pompeo Vows Additional Sanctions Against “Wow-Way”
His statement has sown confusion amongst observers in Asia, as it is unclear which Chinese tech company he’s referring to.
FAKE NEWS | Mahathir Unveils Inspiring Party Platform Dedicated Solely To Making Him Prime Minister Again
“When I look at Malaysians today, I see their despair and frustration at not having me as their prime minister anymore.”
Honest Hong Kong Journalist Visa Denial
Whilst we understand that it is the role of a journalist to offer opinions and critiques and to ask questions, your opinion pieces are unnecessarily opinionated, your critiques unnecessarily critical, and your questions unnecessarily inquisitive.
Honest Princeton Donation Solicitation
Thanks for your generous donation! Should an angry student mob form to vilify you for failing to meet some future standard of moral purity, Princeton will disavow all association with you.
The Man Who Trusted Too Much
There are some dictators to whom one must concede a certain Mephistophelian dignity. Najib isn’t one of them. Look at his ridiculous face – he doesn’t even inspire fear.
FAKE NEWS | Nothing to Worry About, Says Wuhan Official From Inside Biohazard Suit
“You can all go about your lives as normal. Everything is fine.”
Singapore Welcomes Hong Kong Expats!
Like Hong Kong, Singapore used to be a British colony. Unlike Hong Kong, it has no pesky tradition of relative liberty since that was crushed out of it long ago.
Laugh in Translation
The weirdness of Japanese comedy reflects uniquely Japanese neuroses.
FAKE NEWS | China Furious at Sex141 Over “Taiwanese” Prostitute Listings
Beijing called it “a violation of the One-China principle.”
To Mock the Mighty: A History of Court Jesters
More than just clowns, jesters played a unique and important role in the halls of power.
FICTION | The Foreigners
A poor, enterprising Chinese student sees a charitable American couple as an easy mark.
New Seven Deadly Sins for the Modern World
Because modern problems require modern eternal punishments.
FAKE NEWS | Xi Vows to Peacefully Reincorporate Taiwan (Which Is Already Part of China) into China by Force, If Necessary
Xi contrasted “peaceful force” with the “violent force” used by “Western imperialists.”
FICTION | The Banker & the Boatman
A rich banker (with an MBA) takes a ride with a poor boatman (without an MBA).
